she was so not down for the gang bang
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
