This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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