You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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