Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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