i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
