Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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