I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
