My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
