Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
