cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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