I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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