You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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