two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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