There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
