please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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