life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
