Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
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