So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
