Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
