I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
