I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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