Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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