Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
