i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I seem to have left my pride at pride
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
