My room smells like vodka and shame
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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