I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
