Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Come see our sink grown plant.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
