i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
