She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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