Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
