we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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