Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
