he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Be still, my beating vagina.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
