JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
In other news, I just burned my penis
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
