i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
