I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
