i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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