he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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