meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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