Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
