I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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