The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
