my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
