we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize