saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
