Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
