Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
