I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
