I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
