I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
