I cannot find my penis.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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