Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
