i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
